Mutter mutter

Current mood: crappy
Category: Life

(Be warned, had a right git of a day so venting on here and it's a long ole' one)

One of two things has happened today. Either a) life has just decided to kick me in the teeth and I have for once reacted to it, or b) hormones are kicking in and a severe PMT front is advancing over Norfolk (in the Norwich area – be warned)

I am assuming it's the latter because as the day has gone on I have had those tell-tale signs appear, like small tits (of which I have) obviously inflating due to said PMT and aching like buggery. Believe me when you have boobs of the smaller variety ANY slight expanse of size however little, leaves you clutching them to try to alleviate gravity and agony. And whinge like a cunt today? I was annoying myself by 4pm.

There have also been external factors of which have annoyed me as well. One of which being harangued by the local Renault dealer. Since buying my tatty old Scenic the spare key's "plip" has never worked, so put it down to the battery having been flat for too long and it had lost its memory. So typically, for the last two weeks the main key has been playing up. Not having owned a Renault before was surprised to find that the immobiliser is part of said 'plip' of which if you don't get your key into the ignition within about 8 seconds of opening the doors (well on mine anyway) then you have to press it twice again to reset it. (Very technically put that *wink*)

So now there's the way most normal people get into the car for a journey. Walk up to the car's drivers side door press the plip, get in, start the engine and off you go… easy peasy.

Me? Not quiet as simple as that. Being a complete twat I will always have to make everything complicated.

So here's my "getting into the car" routine;

(Well, this morning's one….)

Walk up to the car carrying two heavy shoulder bags which are slipping off my arms and I'm also hanging onto the lead of a slightly over excited black Labrador who knows we are off out. Get to car, manage to plip the doors open then drop keys. Drop bags trying to pick up keys and also because dog is halfway down the road pulling my arm off with outstretched lead wrapped round my legs taking out my knees. Swear at dog loudly. Reassume control over black lab; make her sit and compose myself. Leaving everything on the floor take dog to rear of the car open and add dog. Close rear door and check the bugger has actually closed properly being an old car. Walk back round to bags, pick up, open passenger door so as to fill whole seat area & foot well with bags and any other bits of crap I have dragged with me for the day. Close passenger door and wander round to the driver's side. Get in, look at ignition slot and think "where the bloody hell are the keys?" Get back out; walk round to passenger side to see them on the floor under where the bags fell. Go back to driver's side. Sit in car look at dash and yep, after all this fannying about the immobiliser has kicked in and flashing away merrily at me. (Please imagine my face at this moment grimacing and mouthing the word "bollocks")

So this is where the dodgy key kicks in. Sat there for a whole ten mins this morning and do you think it would 'plip' even once so as to reset the bloody thing? Not a hope in hell.

When it finally decided to work, I decided that it was going into the local Renault dealership so as to get BOTH of the keys fixed.

..

Now I have never had a car new enough to warrant having anything to do with a dealership before so it was quiet a novelty to have something that only they could do and not by my grubby little 'chunky monkey' mechanic Nigel.

Dropped the dog of at "Mum & Dad day-care for dogs" (not switching off the ignition) then toddled off to Renault Norwich.

Car was taken in for the day which did cause a slight bit of pandemonium as I then had to walk to various work locations today but I'm sure it did me good, and plenty of people were laughing at me singing along to the radio on the mobile as I wandered about.

Then this afternoon I get the call from them. Hello Ms Banks (I HATE being called a Ms grrrr) We have managed to re-programme one of your keys but the other one has a PCB fault and is useless so you really could do with buying a new one at the bargain price of £124. Would you like to? Hmmm considering my tit size and mood by this point not surprisingly the first words to fall out of my mouth was "Oh, I don't think so" Oddly enough he sounded quiet surprised. I will give him credit as he had the best powers to detect he had a grumpy cow on the phone though, as he never said anything else about it like "Well you should really" etc etc and just said "ok then" Then he started going on about the fact that they had done some sort of safety check over the whole car whilst it was in. Immediately thought FFS! How much did THAT cost me? Surprisingly though it is all part of the over pricing and they do that to every care in there… bloody dealerships.

So I was then told of a list of faults the car had, one of which being the coolant level was 'seriously low' and for a mere £5.95 they could fill it for me. Isn't that just bloody fantastic, they are trying the old "she's a bird, she will panic into thinking it's something drastic and instantly say "oh dear! Could you fix it for me?"

Bad luck mate, you got not only some daft bat who has already blown up two cars due to lack of water but who wasn't really in the mood to give a toss today. Instant reply was "no thanks, there's a bottle in the boot, I'll do it" (yep big bottle of water always carried in the boot seeing as I seem to fry them so often.)

There were a couple of other minor faults he did say to me but to be honest I wasn't really listening by then.

Left off work and wandered back down to go pick up the bloody thing. Picked up keys from front office (who were having there Christmas tree erected Awww *vomits*) and she also reeled off the list of things wrong with the car. Politely said thanks, handed over the cash and made a run for it… straight to go annoy chunky monkey Nigel my mechanic.

Nigel who has know me a few years instantly notices my mood and takes the piss making me feel much better bless him.

We look through the list on the receipt:

*Rear windscreen wiper split.*

Nigel and I both look at each other and say "So? That's what side mirrors are for that can wait until next MOT"

*There is an oil leak evident (Not too bad at present)*

Handy to know but seeing as I do actually check that frequently I cant see it being a problem and neither does the "word of God" on such things – namely Nigel, who stated it wasn't that bad and considering it's done over 155.000 miles to be expected and well at least it wouldn't rust….

*The brake fluid & coolant are low*

So Nigel checks and shows me the brake fluid levels. Exactly halfway between min & max. hmmmm. Then on looking at the water level, yes is was under the minimum line I grant you but nothing worth paying £5 for a weirdo guy from Renault to top up with his watering can. Nigel topped it up for me with some antifreeze bless him. So to be honest I have just paid £35 for a car wash, as they did that as well. (Bloody impressed as I was half expecting at least something to have fallen off in there – it is an R reg after all)

Plan of action? Going to buy a new key on eBay, change the blade over and go through this whole rig moral again in a few weeks time of trying to get it re-programmed…..

Terrific.

So tonight's drink of choice has been 'special reserve' port. Its sweet enough to not draw my arse up to my elbows like last nights red wine, yet strong enough to make me go to sleep in the next half an hour with no telly or the need to read a book as this mood is just crap and even I cant be bothered to put up with me anymore tonight.

Bollocks to you world, I am off to bed.

Currently listening: Lovers Speak By Joan Armatrading Release date: 25 March, 2003

Not often I decide to write in here BEFORE going to work….

Current mood: weird

…..but just had to share with you what I ended up dreaming about last night. Not a hint of May or Chappers, cars, dinner or even the slightest bit of nookie – which isn't bad considering.

Nope, I have spent the entire night under the impression that I had a pet giraffe that I was keeping in the garden here.

Oh yes, the influential efforts I was trying on the brain before going to sleep didn't quiet work then.

Starting to think my sub-conscience might just be away on holiday at the moment, I hope it's having fun.

One pissy little half bottle of red later….

Current mood: determined
Category: Life

…..and she's still awake AND has the ability to type still. I can only imagine from reading my blog people must think I am just one big raging alcoholic. I'm not, honestly!

I was going to go into a huge great bit justifying that I am not but that would just make me look even more like one so will shut up on that now J

So, sat there in the spirit of things with my glass or two of red for the Oz & James show. Yet again was very impressed with the programme (hence my little drunken write up here yet again) And I can honestly say I did learn yet another thing tonight to do with the whole wine with food thing. They were saying about how a red wine goes very well with steak and red meat type thing. So in my drunken state I will have to agree as the red wine I was consuming went very well with the Texas BBQ Pringles I was munching on at the time… uncouth tart that I am.

Then yet again watched Top Gear so am expecting yet another Mr May weird or wacky dream this evening…. Unless of course herbal nytol tablets could stop it… hmmm I wonder. Nope gonna go for the 'enjoy the dream' thing as the Car dream was great… maybe this time he might take me out to dinner? (see what I'm doing here? 'Planting' thoughts in the old grey matter to see if I can influence them – sneaky eh?)

Well if this bugger works will be telling myself that he's not actually James May before I drift off next time! Hah!

Nighty night

Currently watching: Top Gear

Urrrrrgh??

Current mood: ditzy
Category: Life

Hmmm interesting day, mainly consisting of me having a head like a sieve with no wires in it. If I didn't walk into at least 3 rooms today and say to myself "what did I come in here for?" And did it come back to me later? Did it hell.

I would say that it was just the usual case of having a 'blonde moment' but thanks to the sun disappearing I can't even call myself that at the moment. If it was having a 'mousey moment' I would be well away. Maybe they should rename it or add to the current list. To be honest I think they should just bite the PC bullet and say I was having a "bird day" and believe me it doesn't happen often. I seriously think my brain might have just shut down, for the sake of it. Maybe it decided within an hour of me waking that it was a serious waste of my body's energy to feed anything to it and 'bing' off it goes. Makes sense to me now I must admit. On an up note after coming home and opening a bottle of wine it does seem to have re-appeared again. Odd that.

Having drunk evenings is really starting to cost me dearly. Now I thought I remembered everything about Monday nights little escapades on arriving home (to celebrate finishing call out of course *cough*)

So I CAN remember going to amazon.co.uk and ordering a copy of Chris Moyles autobiography "The gospel according to Chris Moyles" I must be a tight arse even when drunk as I ordered a used copy of which the front cover is scuffed but readable all the same. However that's as far as my mind remembers on the online ordering front. So imagine my surprise when there was a second package through the door when I arrived home which undoubtedly looks like another book. So as I go through the usual routine of arriving home, open the door, pick up the post off the floor have a glance at it, pop into the spare room and power up the PC then toddle straight off to the lav for a well deserved 'peaceful' crap after a long hard day. (A creature of habit and you just can't beat crapping in your own toilet now can you?)

So opened the first parcel and there is Mr Moyles staring at me. I had a quick look through the photos in the middle (as you do) then put it to one side to check the other stuff. One is my mobile bill and for once it was a mere £17 so not even the slightest 'nip' on reading that. A charity "GIVE US YOUR MONEY" thing (great for lighting the wood burner with) and then onto this other parcel.

Opened it slowly so as to tease myself into thinking maybe it was present from a secret admirer bwahahahaha! Ok, so maybe not. So, opened the parcel and there I am sitting with jeans & knickers round my ankles looking very bemused at a copy of ;

So the first thought to go through my head was "urrrgh?"

Had a quick read of the first 10 or so pages and on his proviso have left it there in the loo. (Very funny what I have read so far)

Ok so getting to the very creepy point here, where exactly did this thing come from? Looked on the label of the parcel, nothing recognisable that makes me say "Ahhh yes, now I remember"

Then a thought pops into my head that scares me half to death. Have I not only been dreaming about James May but also been sleepwalking to the computer switching it on and ordering his bloody book? Very clever way to sell copies of the book Mr May I can tell you, but not surprisingly, no.

(you're back in the room)

Checked through the emails and there it is, an email conformation from Amazon that I had indeed ordered the book at the same time as the Chris Moyles one which is very evident in the fact this is also a used copy (tight cow) but in very good nick I might add.

I can only come to the conclusion that I have mentally blocked this whole incident out of my brain, not dissimilar to how abuse victims do in similar situations, yes because all people being abused are having psycho dream stalking sex with an odd looking slightly older TV presenter. (Jesus Christ I'm just getting weirder as the week goes on but at least it's not Jeremy Clarkson I suppose.)

Come back Chappers, all is forgiven.

So here I am, drinking wine and preparing to go watch the second part of "Oz and James's big wine adventure".

For fucks sake, do I never learn?

Shoot me now please as I think my mind may have wandered and it's too little to be let out on its own.

Currently watching: Sweet Insanity Release date: 27 June, 2006

Obviously I’m asking for it every time.

Current mood: mellow
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

I have started to see a trend forming. For work I drive around a bloody great Mercedes Sprinter of the 'old fart' long wheel base variety (yep tatty old 'P' reg) - Now thanks to the company van colours at the time of re-spraying it resembles an autistic "A" Team van - not much different from the pic above but MUCH worse. If only it has the same power to drive through doors and whiz around like a loon with a welder in the back, but alas no.

Now don't get me wrong I do really like driving around in this big old beast and the fact in the back it has a fully enclosed toilet, desk & chair, fridge, microwave radio, endless amounts of land surveying tat floating about in the back and also for good measure my mountain bike of which has done much more mileage in the back of that vehicle than with me actually sitting on it.

The van has been nicknamed the "SIDRAT" which is TARDIS back to front because, with all this tat inside it's a complete reverse of the Dr Who toddle about thingy (namely kin' huge on the outside and chuff all room inside….)

So getting back to the point, the trend that's starting. Now this hefty old tin heap is used not just for the site visits out to go do surveys with me and the bearded one but also It's used whenever I am on call, as its slightly more intimidating if a daft blonde bat turns up to a suspected break in of a building in a monster beast from hell than a poncy little Renault Scenic

(Unless of course I want to 'picnic' the hell out of anyone.)

So, yet again getting back to the point… tangents galore today lol… the thing that has become seemingly more obvious to me the longer I drive it about is that all Nissan Micra's seem to aim for it. Doesn't matter if I am hurtling around (which is unlikely as it just 'doesn't') or plodding around like the ultimate old wrinkly, wherever you look, turn, glance, imagine you maybe driving, a sodding micra will appear and just about end up being a bonnet ornament. I have never (touch wood) smacked into one yet and I think I am right in saying the bearded one also hasn't smacked ten buckets of crap out of one either but I sure as hell am starting to think this van is cursed and should just plough into the next daft micra driver who aims for it. Either the people driving them are just not seeing me – hmmm can't quiet see that being the case or every one of them is blind, on a death wish or just plain thick as shit and deserves to die.

Do people not realise? This is a works van… I DON'T CARE if you lump into the side of me as it's not mine! But if I get to push you off the road into say the nearest river I will be laughing hysterically in the guise of Satan. (Even if said river is ½ a mile away scraping you sideways all the way.) Do it with style and sparks flying I say.

I am missing my van I must admit as the call out has been drastically cut… yes I'm STILL moaning about it I know, and I don't get to bring it home as often these days and block any daylight out of my neighbours front windows when it's parked here outside the house. *sigh*

Other giggle factors of the day? I managed to get "Bunter of the week" today putting on a massive 1.4kgs lmao. Ok let me explain… bearing in mind I am the only girly on my office and not being of the normal "girly" type bird have a right giggle with the boys as every Monday we all hop on the office scales and have a weigh in, either winning the bunter or slimmer of the week award. Now even though we know our scales are digital they are incorrect in their readings. Namely 5kg incorrect! But at least we are all consistent in our readings of fatness per week. Ok so I was I was off yesterday & did my reading today of 62.5kgs - Up 1.4kgs from last week. Which quiet rightly so gained me the bunter award for the week. However one factor that wasn't taken into account was my tea consumption first thing in the morning on Norwich Market. 3 cups is enough to bloat anyone out so imagine the boys surprise when after an hour of the initial weight in I went for a massive pee came back and for a laugh weighed myself again… you've guessed it down to 61.6kgs. Nowhere near worthy of bunter but the original reading stands and I am bunter and proud.

(But that was one hell of a pee)

Right time I stopped talking shite again but would just like to say dreamless sleep was very restful last night.

Thank god.

Currently listening: Cracker By Cracker Release date: 29 June, 1992

Bugger me, she’s still here?

Current mood: ecstatic
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

Terribly sorry for being still awake, somewhat drunk and full of chestnuts but that's just the way of the world tonight.

Yes once again watched another Top Gear repeat but I think I can safely say I am so pickled this evening that my dreams tonight will be restful. However the fact that I am drunk (and this is taking bloody AGES to type because of that fact) I have been googling "top gear", "James May", "hamster", "tall lanky streak of piss" and other various pieces of weirdness to….. well laugh at to be honest.

So imagine my delight when I found this little snippet of a website. Now don't just go on face value here, make sure you go into the "biography" page and have a gooooood look.

Very nice page that…

http://www.joanna-barker.co.uk/home.html

hmmmmmmmmm

(Sorry I just can't contain the giggles at this point.)

And do we think that James May should worry about me and my night time over active imagination? Oh, I think not. You are quiet safe mate, I only stalk people I know and Evil porno dude says I might go blind….say's she with glasses already…

Only one thing to say about it all.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

And on that note I will take my drunk sorry arse to bed and shut the hell up.

Currently listening: One Step Beyond... By Madness Release date: 01 June, 2000