Most impressed with the improvement so far.

Current mood: peaceful

I came to the conclusion today would be better spent helping mumsie banks out doing the DIY needed doing to the room of which was Dads bedroom today. This has evidently done me the world of good and I have come home feeling like I have actually achieved something which I haven't felt for a very long time. She is also very happy with the results so for that alone I am pleased.

After all this and returning home I found myself sitting down and having a quite moment to myself which I also haven't done for ages and after that I feel 'not quite' all there again but on the mend for sure.

Short arse popped in on the way to 'scouts' this evening (just checking I wasn't up to anything daft I suppose considering the state I was in the last time he saw me) which helped, just seeing a friendly face – even if he did look like a medium sized action man bless him.

So will feeling better and not snotting my eyes out whenever anything is said from my lips which can't be bad now can it. Fingers crossed now I seem to pretty much have my emotions in check again I can start getting my head around job hunting again.

Choices are quite good to be honest as I have no idea what I really fancy doing. Maybe I will have a wander round the city tomorrow and just see what's out there for a while. Nothing major needed just something to pay the bills and keeps me smiling I suppose.

Thanks to everyone with messages of support, I was quite touched at just how many of you cared and I very much appreciate it.

Right, soak in the bath time as I have the need to look like a prune.

Currently listening: Play By Moby Release date: 1999-06-01

Starting again….

Current mood: refreshed
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Evidently this is the work of Mr_arse – but after having what can only be described as a mild nervous breakdown over the past 2 days figured it really was out with the old and starting a-fresh. Bollocks to the world I am no longer an arse… I am a trout.

Reason being? Lets just say that today I completely lost it big stylie, didn't quite do the whole "throwing a can of beans in the supermarket" thang, but did end up leaving work early in tears then going for a chat with my GP who has pretty much signed me off for two weeks with 'bereavement issues'

Yep, Dad dying seems to have been the major point in this but I can safely say a handful of other things have just about cow tipped me over the edge:

One of which is my beloved DB and her fresh new cancerous lump in her leg and knowing she wont be with me much longer.

Another thing is the fact that as hard as I try I really do hate this new job with a passion.

Then – just in case I wasn't having a cunt of a year so far there was the ex troll deciding to start sending me evil emails and threatening text messages again on Sunday night

. Fan fucking tastic.

At least short arse managed to come to the rescue on that whole incident, as I really do think I would have killed the troll. That's not really something I would like on my police record for sure.

Talking of the police, there is now a harassment order on the cunt and if there is any contact by phone, text email or the slightest whiff of him stalking the house again he's carted off by plod.

So here's the new me. Off sick for two weeks, calling a bereavement helpline tomorrow, all cried out and looking for another job to boot.

Can't say I've enjoyed the last few days but after deleting my facebook page and in a little while my mr_arse page am feeling much more refreshed for it all now thank fuck.

Currently listening: Hit By Peter Gabriel Release date: 2003-11-04

Life 0 – Banks 1

Current mood: hopeful

Try as I might I could not snap myself out of this "face like a smacked arse" syndrome today. Well, until now that is.

Dunno why, but all of a sudden I feel absolutely fine and have every intention of going to sleep relaxed and chilled. Weird. And don't sit there smirking thinking "she's hit the vodka" – nope haven't had a drop all evening as to be honest, I couldn't be bothered.

I did actually manage in my strop to get quite a bit if stuff done. Maybe this was why it finally subsided…

Things like getting a new gate installed at the bottom of the garden, to assist in getting access to the compost bins for grass cuttings… yep, even painted the fucker as well.

Then had the visit to the dentist as well. Not bad either really, had the three fillings replaced (these were really old fuckers from when I was a kid) and it only cost me £27. Haven't quite figured out why it was so cheap but am sure in a weeks time when they have all fallen out again I might have a clue.

So tomorrow is back to work, but not until 2pm which is always a bonus, and the fact that I have Friday off as well thanks to it being for the Saturday I just worked. Evidently it's quite a short week all in all, so why I am moaning quite so much I'll never know.

I did however get a call from the Vet Tuesday. Seems the lump on Db's leg could possible turn out to be nasty but due to its location and her age he would rather leave it alone and see if it gets any bigger or gives her any pain. At the moment it is not causing her a problem so all I can do on that one is just hang fire until she starts to deteriorate.

Hmmm maybe that was a good reason to be stroppy… oh well – it's passed now, off to bed then.

Currently listening: How to Save a Life By The Fray Release date: 2005-09-13

Age is getting to me I think

Current mood: pissy
Category: Life

I have come to the conclusion at the age of 34 my brain has reached its saturation point and will not take in any more information.

This could be to quite a bit of detriment to myself or not, this I will realise when I next try to remember something important I suppose.

Not only do I have to write down fucking everything these days to remember them but I have also noticed I have to list them in priority order as well so as not to miss anything I have actually already written down that I could still lose on the radar.

For example: The job I am now doing is as my boss puts it "not rocket science, however lots of small things to remember" and this is correct but on being told how to do things once already I found myself once again struggling to remember exactly how I should be filling in and doing stuff etc. This was very disheartening to me this evening and I have come home once again feeling very shit, useless and wanting to cry if I am honest. Ok, so I haven't been there long and I haven't ever had to do this stuff before so will struggle with it initially until I get the hang of it and stuff becomes second nature but right now my honest opinion is they could stuff their job up their arse sideways with burrs on it and I'll ask if I can go out on the road as a driver instead.

I did say after Dad died that I could really do with a job where I could be alone, my own boss as such and generally get to be the anti social tart I have wanted for some time – that I aint gonna get doing this job BUT then it could also be said its probably better that I don't get myself into that sort of situation as I will end up the lonely old spinster of which I deserve to be. Hmmm even that does sound very appealing right now it must be said.

Who knows what it is that keeps me going up and down, I thought it was my hormones but it can be that (unless of course I am the first woman in the world to get POST menstrual tension instead of PRE) It could even be something as simple as just me getting used to the shifts which are also taking their toll… tonight for example I am much more tired than last night on arriving home but still couldn't sleep if I tried.

All I can really say is I have tomorrow off due to a dentist appointment (don't even get me started on that one… emergency appointment which was initially book in after a check up in November – the appointment is finally in for tomorrow)

I will appreciate the day (or evening I suppose) off and contemplate was and means to try to make my life more bearable.

Currently listening: Bach: Violin Concertos Release date: 2002-08-

It’s been a funny ole’ week.

Current mood: grateful I will warn you, I am currently absolutely rasped on white wine as I know I don't have to get up in the morning due to working the late shift this week. So this week, ahhh yes. I've had my girly monthlies which have had my emotions going from UP THERE to down there with ease, there's been the new job of which I did hate at the beginning of the week but have pretty much mellowed into it now thank fuck. Then the whole this evening when a weird uniformed short thing appeared in my house, had tea and left again to go sleep… daft but funny. It is becoming very apparent to me that I am actually quite content these days. Not much really riles me up and as long as people don't lie to me I'm a happy bunny and very much relaxed and 'carefree'… yes like the sanitary items… Hopefully this is a life lesson I will stick with as to be honest I'm actually enjoying it. If its not….. bugger! Currently listening: That's Not My Name Release date: 2008-05-13

Here we fucking go again….

Current mood: bummed

Just in case my year hadn't really been quite crap enough… yet another fucking turd of a thing has kicked in.

Seems Db has another lump in her rear leg and nope, this time for symmetry reasons it's the other leg. Bollocks.

So here we go once again. She has been in for a mini biopsy so far (just an injection version this time as the nice vet man Andre doesn't really want to be putting her through an op at her age if it really isn't necessary)

So now is sporting a very fetching bald spot right near her bum once again… poor little bugger.

We had noticed that she has started to dwindle in health over the past few months, the back legs are starting to make her uncomfortable and I have had to help her into the car and on the bed these days as she just can't manage it.

Evidently she is still a very happy bunny right now and the tail which can clear a coffee table in one fail swoop hasn't stopped just yet…

That will be the tell 'tail'

Brace yourself wallet: "incoming"

Police, helicopters, guns, dogs with big teeth and uniforms

Current mood: cheerful
Category: Life

I Must say that throughout today (which started at 03:15 I might add) the general consensus was it was going to be a complete and utter cunt.

Work was just mental from the moment we got in and whizzed past because of it being to daft and manic which wasn't so bad. The ongoing heat wave didn't do it any favours either as yet again we have been in the little office toasting our proverbial's off.

I was most impressed when at 13:45 I finally managed to escape back to mum's to pick up the Beefenburger and after being conned into giving her and the neighbour (as dad used to nickname them "the fat slags") a lift to the local garden centre on my way home.

Finally managed to get back home by 15:00 ish and was in such a foul mood by then figured I needed to vent it out on something. Yep, the lawn got it once again.

So, imagine my surprise when 5 mins into cutting the lawn the local Police helicopter started circling overhead. Didn't think much of it and figured there must have been something happening on the A47 just over the way… Then after 20 more mins of it whizzing round I figured something much more exciting must have been going on… Yep, I was still cutting the lawn figuring I was just once again being stalked…lol

Then to my utter delight I found out what was going on. Seems that if nothing else in life, you can always count on my neighbours to brighten the day with a complete session that had me in fits.

I wandered round to the front of the house to be confronted with 4 police cars, one of which had two mahussive police dogs barking like a good'un making the whole vehicle bounce, then there, parked right outside my dainty little countryside bungalow is a policeman, all decked out in the whole kit and caboodle of uniform and packing a right hefty old gun! Woof ;)

So with that various uniformed officers finishing off what turned out to be once again a not quite all there neighbour playing in his back garden with an air rifle. (yep, this has happened before, I'm guessing this somewhat backward little shit didn't learn the first time round)

After having a quick chat to the plod who was then packing said gun back in a bag, Beefyburger pops her head out of the gate to see all the commotion toddles right up to said bobby who has bag open on the floor – sticks in her head and promptly pinches one of his gloves… ha ha ha

So my somewhat pants day did eventually have me laughing. Fucking plank.