Now comes the painful bit....

Deployment started on July 27th. Has it actually really 'started' yet? Nope, obviously not as due to me being a very lucky sod, have had short and loud pretty much home for the duration apart from maybe one week.

Unfortunately now however due to his squadron he has now joined he will be there as of tomorrow good and proper. In fact he's just gone now, so as to be on base first thing for being n the range in the morning. Don't quite know why but this was first time after him leaving I feel like I've had my heart ripped out, and it's bloody awful. I can tell you.

My head hurts (from something unrelated this morning) and I just miss him terribly. I know it will all be fine, chances are he'll be back home next weekend but I really do feel empty tonight.

Not fair but that's just the way life goes sometimes I guess.

How much fun was that!

I have returned today for a night out with the Widgester, Jax, John Widgy's brother and his mate Jason (odd bugger but amusing all the same)

We dragged out daft butts down to Earl's court for the Great British Beer festival and by christ it was a giggle.

Granted didn't get shit faced (which isn't a bad thing) but even so did suffer ever so slightly today... but thanks to Widge's amazing fry up this morning I did recover enough to actually drive home!

So there you have it, still a bit hungover it must be said, tired, in need of a nap but might just have to go for hair of the dog in a bit !

heh heh....

It hit home a bit today....

I have been very lucky this first week of S&L starting deployment training. After expecting to see nowt of him until, maybe this weekend if I am lucky, I have had two nights where he has been able to pop home, granted only for an hour if that but I get to see him all the same.

For this I feel blessed. Especially after he phoned this afternoon. He was obviously filling in more of the forms and such like for next of kin and stuff and rang asking for his Mum's address to obviously go on record too.

The next question is the one that sank in and chilled me to the bone.
Did I want the welfare officer there to ring me with updates when there was no chance he could actually contact me himself. I have said yes but it's that whole " I won't be able to even talk to him very soon" and that is currently scaring me to death and I think will just about break my heart.

I've been through so much in the last year and a bit, supporting him through his split with the wife, changing of jobs, homes and generally trying to get his life together again after such a trauma. Also, stepping out of the picture when it seemed he should have had time as single person... of which being an idiot he was sucked in by a sob story...

I soon changed that back to how it should be and without pressuring, demanding and by being as supportive as I could, I now have the most amazing relationship with a very caring, wonderful thoughtful person for whom I love very much and can only hope he could love me as much in return. But most of all, I have gained the best friend I could ever have imagined in a million years.

So now, for the first time ever in my life with a bloke, I really miss him. As proud as I am of what he is doing I want to be selfish and say don't go, but obviously I wouldn't
I will say though that when he does come back safe and sound from this tour I might just have to be a tadge more vocal should he consider going again...

I hope he doesn't want to but then it will never be for me to make that decision.

So that's my little mind of concern of the day... I'll probably be fine on a mo and not even think about it in a bit but I am starting to think maybe I am jinxed sometimes. I finally get a fantastic lad and can't get to keep him, even if only for a while.

Bugger!

Now this exactly why my friends ARE my friends.

After my blog yesterday ref the somewhat waif and stray person wanting me to be social for what is - her benefit, not really mine... imagine my utter delight on reading my mates comment on how to reply to her text message just now;

The Widge said...

Something along the lines of "many thanks for your kind offer, but I have joined a Vodka and Tea-based cult and the rules say we aren't allowed to associate with half-wits and emotional leeches" should probably do the trick. ;-p

See? now that is exactly why Widge is my friend....
I have just about damn near wet myself.

But alas I have also gained another friend recently who is actually a close friend of S&L's but with her I actually get on really well with because she isn't a needy, whiney pain in the arse desperately grabbing for attention.

So here's the other thing the other gained friend knows said whiney needy lass very well, so I thought I would ask her opinion on how to reply in a somewhat tactful way.

Hers was very useful also with "Thanks but I'm doing ok so far, so shall see how it goes"
Or just if I couldn't manage to get that out to just ignore it.

Well what will I actually do? hmmmm I wonder.

Wonder my arse, I deleted the text - that decided for me.

And then, just when you thought it was all over...

He snuck home last night for half an hour to collect his new boots he had ordered.
(Smiling Bird again)

A busy day is a godsend but bloody knackered.

Well after the first job of the day in Old Buckenham which after the client appeared on site only to make our lives a bleeding misery and wanting more really inconveniant stuff on the only day we had yet another job booked in for the afternoon.... ohh hark at our hard work :)

Then when we did get to the second job we had the privilege of boss man "forgetting" to mention that he had been there before and there was a discrepancy that would for obvious reasons would bugger up what we were supposed to do.

Finally, after many phone calls, conformation on what he actually wanted we managed to finish off and sod off home again. Hoorah!

So picked up the Deefus on the way home and since being home have produced one of the smaller drawings but have said sod it, and will do the rest tomorrow when I have chuff all work booked in.

So now I have two things to do this evening. One of which is to have a long soak in the bath and the second is to figure out how the bloody hell I reply to a text message of someone I used to work with who is far too needy for my liking, asking if I struggle whilst Simon's away, want a cup of tea or a glass of wine to pop round. What makes it worse is she also only lives about 4 miles away from here, is desperately lonely with I'm guessing no really close friends and if I am honest I would rather gouge out my eyes with a blunt spoon than go anywhere near her.

You just know where it will go if I do, her spilling all her bloody woes of life onto me and me not really giving a monkeys arse. I have already in the last two years managed to get rid of two people in my life who in all fairness I should have gotten rid of many years before and now knowing that I don't need to even think about it any more lifes much easier!

Selfish I may be but fuck it, I'm looking after number one these days and will not be taking on board any weak waifes and strays as I really don't have the energy.
But there is also the fact that I have enough to worry about these days without adding to it.

Apologies but I ain'tgonna go there. Stuff it...
And now, how the hell do I word this text message without using the words...

"Fuck off"

I want an explanation and I bloody well want it right now!

How the bloody hell did I go from being a complete anti social misfit who would go to extremes to keep people out of her house / hair and life etc to a proper girly moment lala who is really missing someone?

When the bloody hell did that bugger sneak in? Proper sneaky fucker if you ask me.

So today is day one and if I am honest hasn't been too bad... had a bit of a dopey sniveling tart moment first thing after the lad actually went but luckily had Bob the chain man to keep me on the straight and narrow and... well properly distracted by pointing and laughing at all the clients today running around like headless chickens as they are after all - quite thick bless them.

I have though since coming home and finished faffing on the computer all the work for tomorrow now stopped, poured myself a vodka and though
"ohhhh it's bloody quiet here now" and where as before I would have absolutely loved that and strived for it to continue I find myself toddling round making random daft noises, singing and generally doing anything to make it loud and jolly. Db keeps giving me looks along the lines of : you just look a twat woman.
And just how slow is the time going? Jesus! - at this rate I will have a beard hair as long as my arm before he's home again.

Fingers crossed he 'should' be home for next weekend but I'm not going to get hopes up here as you just know if I do and he doesn't come back I will be mortified. And i really do need to keep ones self chipper for when he rings.

I also want to thank those special peeps who have been keeping me going with messages. Thanks loves and keep a sneaky eye on me eh? you know what I am like.
:)

I miss you Simon - this will be the longest year of my life I reckon.
x

Where's your head at.......

No idea if I am honest.

I've been through every sodding emotion under the sun in the last week and to be honest I am really bored with being a grumpy shit.

I'm scared that when S&L starts his deployment training Monday that I will miss him more than ever.

I'm frightened he's going to get hurt or worse when actually out playing with the T-Ban sorts.

I'm shitting myself that if he likes this one will want to do another one.

I have cried far too many times in the last 24 hours and now I need to just be strong, happy and support what it is he does.

I'm really going to be proper lost from next week.