Cold lady parts? I should say so!

Today was defiantly a top notch on the 'fantasticfuckingday' o'meter.

Considering in my life I have acquired many a driving licence (right up to class 1 articulated lorry type shit) Today's efforts to start learning the smallest (being a motorbike) was certainly a giggle and a half. 

Now for some reason in my life, I have never actually ridden or had any instruction to ride one. You would have thought I would have, but alas no. This actually turned out to be an advantage in the "professional learning curve" And for that *thanks fuck!*

So with my passing my theory & hazard perception test yesterday with various spotty little oik's preparing for standard car driving lessons the fact I was actually getting arse straight onto two wheels the next day was certainly an eye opener!

So, getting back to today's efforts. We arrive at the training centre, bundled into the back of a tatty transit and scoot off to an airfield with a "spare bit" especially for the training of numbnuts such as myself.

We are quickly explained the controls, how to ride and toddle off on bits of the runways to get the hang of riding. Then, how to start to go up the gears, then how to stop abruptly (not really difficult!) Then are shown how to do the slow manoeuvres with control and precision. 

This was purely a "getting used to how to ride a bike" with a bit of examples of what sorts of stuff we would be doing during the MOD1 test of which I will be taking on Dec 22nd.

But before I rush into that, I have my actual CBT test (compulsory basic training) which will allow me to ride on the road with 'L' plates.  This is happening on the 4th and after today's efforts I am really looking forward to that!

So there we are, I am still mad, but loving every bloody minute of it and can't wait to be able to go out riding for a jolly with little legs on our own bikes!

GET IN!

 I would like to point out that anything even remotely close to the lady parts region got colder than a penguins bollocks also. Will certainly compensate with ever so slightly more thermal pants for the next stage!!!

Eco friendly, maybe so but not functional in the slightest.

Bearing in mind I used to be an electrician, a lot of the light fittings here in Clements Castle are of the halogen bulb variety. Only three are the "sunk in" type taking the straight pin connector bulbs but the other three fittings (each with three bulbs) have the pins with knobbly bits on the end - these are the more common of the two I can only assume.

So a few months back after seeing a great deal online, I decided to purchase 12 of the new fangled LED version bulbs to not only be gentle on my electricity bill, but to do that little bit of personal effort to being environmentally friendly.

All three of the smaller fittings got them. Bedroom, Kitchen & the office. 

The bedroom ones lasted 2 days, mainly because when switched off the buggers still actually glow, which in a room you are trying to sleep in is not really the best situation.

The office and the kitchen did actually do quite well, until I finally decided to give up and take them out again today. 

In themselves they are a wonderful idea and probably did reduce the electricity bill for the duration of time spent in. There was however one major factor that I just couldn't put up with any more.

They are absolutely rubbish for lighting a room! 

(So if you are thinking of changing yours - please don't, utter waste of money until they manage to uprate them to a decent lux level!)

So ok, I tried, but here's something I now cannot quite fathom out.

I took out 12 bulbs to replace with the LED ones. These were lovingly placed all together in a box in the shed with many other spare light bulbs. 

On going to the shed to collect them to place back in, I can only find 5. Not 12 as was removed before. So I have replaced the 3 in the kitchen, and have put one in each of the other two rooms but I'll be buggered if I have any idea where the other ones went!

Maybe I have a light bulb eating spider in my shed, who knows!

The good news is, I can now actually see what I am cooking, working on and we are in complete darkness in the bedroom when the lights do go out!

Seeing as I mentioned a visit to the chiropractor yesterday, I figured I really should explain exactly how that came about and what the hell has been going on.

In the last couple of months I had started to get a niggly pain at the lower end of my neck back down to between the shoulder blades. Over the course of the final week of that it turned into a full blown, dogs bollocks - felt like I was being poked in the back with a broom handle type thing which also resulted in not being able to turn my head and also walking around like I had said broom shoved up my arse.

All in all it was, even for me with quite a high pain threshold bloody agonising and after a trip to the local GP and being given anti-inflammatory pills and told to sod off for two weeks and see how I got on.

Now dont get me wrong, I realise these people are very busy and do a great job but I really couldn't move without what felt like a lightening bolt shooting down my spine so wasn't impressed with the diagnosis.

It was at that point OH said I should really try going to see the chiropractor he had seen after running off a cliff last year (plank :P)

So had my first appointment, when they strip you down to all but undies, slap you in a gown and do all sorts of checks to see how your body is actually doing.

Evidently the fact that I was described as a bit lop-sided and they can do me some good was certainly a good thing. So after the initial 'consultation', back scan, stood like a lemon in my mad cow pants in front of an oversized frame with elastic bands all over the shop was sent on my way... still at that point un-adjusted.

Two days later I'm back (and it seem this place NEVER runs on time) The first initial (clothed I might add) adjustment was done in the back enclosed area which wasn't a bad thing. 

The last time I had anything like this done I can certainly remember at the point after the 'crack' my usual involuntary response was to say "coooorrrr fuck"  of which I did, quite a few times but am assured by said Dr chiro he has certainly heard worse.

The good point? (bearing in mind I am now into my 3rd week of twice a week) It's actually starting to help.... the back and neck at least. The one thing it didn't help with which I was initially told it could help was for painful periods. Well if helping was the utter doubled over, fainting hot and cold sweats I gained last Thursday at 4am then all I can say is he must have angered the gods of menstruation that day as it was a bloody doozy. I have since been advised that bit could take time. (He would say that)

So I'm seemingly a bit more upright these days. Granted, not completely but getting there. 

Who knows maybe in the future I will stop dragging my knuckles along the floor!

Some days the simplest things surprise me. Not often though.

Firstly apologies if this blog looks pants today but I'm writing from my phone whilst waiting to once again see the chiropractor. I will attempt to save it then format it when home again so patience is a virtue.

So what has surprised me? Well a few things but most all a very nice thing that happened today, whilst sat at my PC getting on with work listening to the radio. 

Now I am nowhere near the time in my life when I am going to start listening to BBC radio 4 on a regular basis, however, after some not quite so subtle "self advertising" of a follower on Twitter decided, seeing as I was at home getting on would pop it on and see what the little bugger had been up to and was self whoring himself with. 

Now I still couldn't now tell you what the play was called, nor who wrote it but what I will say is it was really quite moving. A tale of a man, travelling far to visit his dying mother in hospital and getting somewhat caught up in what could be described as another world. 

His other world however, managed to do a wonderful thing. In the sad final stages of his mothers life, thanks to an slightly odd character, not a million miles away from myself, surprisingly brought back to the surface all the wonderul memories he had buried, hidden away of times with his Mum, which also in turn distracted him away from the harsh yet inevitable reality.

I think the reason I really enjoyed it, was after it was over it made me sit back and remember again times I had with my Dad, good times over many years and certainly brought a very big smile across my face. Ok, so Dad died over two years ago now but there isn't a week go by when I dont think of him but this brought back the "best bits" as so to speak and gave me the warm fuzzy feeling you can only get when remembering your Dad and how much he meant to you.

So for that, the great acting (or should I say 'reading' abilities') of James & his co star I thank you. You made a cynical old git have a mushy moment with your 'creative talent' and I normally don't let those out too often as most will know.

As for listening to Radio 4 any more... I dont really think so. They also played The Archers in that time frame and oddly, that made me want to stab myself in the eye with and arrow.

Help! I've been twitnaaaaapppppped!

I would like say "not really" but in fact I have. Now I know I am a bit of an internet rubbish whore but for once I have found a social networking site that really does make me laugh so much I once nearly pee'd a little. And oddly, it's bloody twitter.

Apologies to the widge as I have been meaning to encourage you to find your illusive password and join in as I know you have an account but keep forgetting.

I joined twitter a couple of years back just after Dad died. Cant really remember why now, pretty sure someone would have suggested I did but who it was? gawd knows now. Also the fact that head wasn't really in the best of places at that time didn't really use it to full potential or find it good in any way or form. 

I'm not even quite sure what has drawn me in back either. I'm sure there was some good reason (but I really doubt it)

Evidently I am really enjoying it. I think the thing I like about it the most is you tend to find people on there who are - for want of a better word- just as bleeding daft as I am. Which cant be bad.

It's such a simple format, short and sweet and in my case, apart from the few peeps on there who I have actually seen in the flesh and very anonymous world and with me being such an antisocial  old tart suits me down to the ground. 

The fact that people seem to be really blunt and to the point I really love. It's just a even nerdier version of me I guess. I like it a lot and for that reason alone have hardly touched facebook in ages. In fact, had a good ole internet shite clear out the other week deleting myspace account(s) (Why the bloody hell did I have three???) I will still keep the 2 facebook ones though as in all fairness you dont really need to be active on them much and its always worth a giggle to see how some of the illiterate fucks I went to school with are bickering. And always handy for twitter fodder too.

So that's me, currently. Still alive and at some point I will tell you all about my bad neck and subsequent visits to a chiropractor, mostly involves me saying "cooor fuck" a lot but helps.

What the hell is it with big companies these days?

On the plus side, the week has gone surprisingly well.

The hotel we initially stayed in whilst down in London to see Stephen Fry has  given us a refund (not that it was much in the first place! That is great! However my gripe is with booking.com

They for some weird reason have no interest in the fact they are 'peddling' a hotel for want of a better word is dangerous! Useless I tell you! Not that it really matters as I have reported the hotel to the local authority environmental health team and - no surprise they already have an ongoing case with regards to them already.

So what other big firm has annoyed me today? B&Q

In the last 5 days I have telephoned 4 times now, every time leaving my name and number awaiting someone to call me back and have they bloody bothered? Have they hell. It's getting to the stage where i am just going to say fuck it and take the bloody faulty shower back and demand a replacement.

Is it really that hard to return a phone call? No it bloody isn't so today B&Q get the golden shit of the day award. 

I would say you should all be very proud but that kind of defeats the point really.

A day/night of champions

After a month without the likes of young Schmoo, the OH & myself decided that it would be a good time to do something exciting and different. We booked it all a couple of weeks back and have certainly been looking forward to our little day trip to London with the intention of seeing a superb show to boot.

The show in question was Stephen Fry's first ever performance in which he was pretty much answering questions as asked from his fan's via twitter - name of the game was #FryRAH for those of you whom may "twitter"

The venue was the Royal Albert Hall, Kensington London and here is pretty much how the two days off work panned out.

After arriving early to catch the train from Norwich to Liverpool St London (a theme of the day it seems this early lark) We managed to find our reserved seats, of which we had booked a table seat facing forward in the quiet carriage. We arrived into our designated seats, Granted facing forward but no table in sight and in a carriage with various gobby twats on their mobiles all shouting, pretty much not needing their phones as all and sundry could certainly hear every crap part of the pointless conversations.

Not to worry, settled in for the two hour slog with the usual "tosser's" muttered under ones breath.

Arrived, hopped on the tube to South Kensington and headed for the "hotel" I had booked when ordering the tickets weeks before. I would like to point out the word "hotel" is used incredibly loosely in this sentence!

Ok I certainly dont deny that on searching for the hotel for the one night the theory was:

Cheap, cheerful, clean and secure. Simple really. It was just going to be a place to sleep to be honest.

So imagine our utter delight when on arrival the first thing you see is not one, or two but THREE printed off signs stating 

"The hotel takes no responsibility for the loss of anything within the hotel"

I'm sorry? Surely that's illegal? (For the sake of those who don't know, it is.)

Ok so we booked a double room via a "booking" website The room was cheap, granted but what we saw when we did go up into the bowels (and I mean that literally) we were if nothing else a little taken back.

The room was 4m x 6m, A TV with 2 channels & no remote, Nothing to make a cuppa of any shape or form,The bed was probably big enough for OH but I would never have fit in as well, carpets my dead Grand-parents would have been proud to have in their living room (and the fact they looked like they hadn't been hoovered since they died either, the door didn't lock properly (which explained all the signs) There was just a sink in the room and the "communal" shower room initially looked like it was painted a weird dark grey/blue colour. I was so thrilled when I realised it was actually mould.

After going back down to reception saying were were not going to stay, they did offer us another room. I looked in the door. That was enough thank you.

It was at that point I met up with OH who had gone down via the stairs where so much construction work was taking place there were cables hanging out of walls, extension leads & tool trailed and strewn all up the stairs (this being the fire escape also). I think we can safely say it certainly didn't install enough confidence for us to stay. We left oddly enough.

Don't get me wrong, both myself & OH have worked for an events company and believe you me we have stayed in some bloody humdinger of a crap hotel before but the pair of us were both astounded that this place could actually be allowed to open to paying customers! It was a bloody death trap!

So wandering up the road, now knowing we would have to find another hotel costing yet more pretty damn sharpish, we went into the Holiday Inn, South Kensington.

Now granted, we had to pay for the privilege and seeing as it was some sort of "Fashion week" apparently there were very few rooms left - we still managed to scrape into a yummy double room, en-suite, fresh towels, TV with many channels that worked (with a remote) , tea & coffee stuff, HUGE comfy bed, towelling robe, slippers, wonderfully hot shower, doors that locked, quiet hmmm I could go on but I think you can get the way I am going with this.

£230 lighter I might have been but worth every penny and that is what credit cards are for after all.

We sorted out our stuff for the evening and toddled off to get some food before getting our arses over to the RAH.

Lovely yummy meal in a local restaurant, stuffed me good and proper, then started to wander off to the venue to have a gander.

Two bloody hours before they opened the doors we arrive *sigh* so we sat for a bit, wandered for a bit then sat a bit more until we saw people starting to mill into the venue and toddled off to our "in the roof" seats.

The Royal Albert Hall as a venue it utterly spectacular, but what an optical illusion! It really does strike you as being huge when you see televised shows. Now allowing for the fact we were so high up I am sure there was a slight whiff of altitude sickness from many an audience member but you have expect that in the pauper area :)

The show was truly superb. It was different, which is what made it so special I guess. I swear to god I could just sit and listen to him waffle on for hours. The man is so witty, funny & genuine it's very refreshing to find some honesty even if as a celebrity he does have to be guarded for obvious reasons.

It was incredibly thought provoking, utterly hilarious and well worth the jaunt and the climb up what seemed to be 48000 stairs to our seats.

On that note I would like to say that I really do hope the second show he is doing tonight goes as well and is just as successful & funny.

So after all that excitement, retiring to a stonkingly superb hotel room was utterly bliss and I certainly slept like a brick! (hmm ok I normally do I know but.... y'know :D)

So after choo choo - ing it back home again all relaxed, loved my two day adventure and will at some point remove the mental block I have installed ref the credit card bill!!!