Satan’ s PA reporting for duty

Current mood: betrayed

*Public service announcement*

This is going to be a mother of a rant, so if you are of frail temperament, easily offended or just (if I am really honest) a busy body with nothing better to do than be disgusted by something you really don't have to read, then you really should just fuck right off now back up your own arse.

'Deep breath' and so we shall begin:

I swear to god (no pun intended) that if it wasn't for the fact you can actually get banged up for murder I would have quite happily turned into a serial killer today, popping off no less than 10 people and probably with my bare hands to boot.

Now I know I am a moody cunt of late and I know it's because of these bloody tablets and my darling monthlies which just kicked in and I am trying desperately to cut down smoking before the stop day but I really do think that, if I am honest…

THE WORLD REALLY HASN'T BLOODY HELPED TODAY!

So what has really gotten to me today?

1) After spending 17 years with a company, then leaving because they basically can't organise for shit due to not talking to each other, I find today that once again I am in the same fuckng ocean going fur lined boat – but granted, slightly smaller scale.

2) Knowing my job spec has been reduced by half in the last week (leaving the two of us in our team as to what exactly we are doing there) I then get asked if I would like to train on the forklift. Odd that seeing as we are short in the warehouse team… of a forklift driver.

3) Would I like to do this training? Of course, its something else to put on the CV and handy to have. Do I want to be a forklift driver in the warehouse?

Oh I don't fucking think so.

4) After a weekend of trying to get ones cash out of short arse it did finally arrive this afternoon. To which I then slapped it into one of the bank deposit envelopes ready to drop off of the way home. Three branches of Lloyds TSB later and driving around half of fucking Norwich is one with an accessible deposit box out of hours? Is there fuck. Even the City centre one which always has their cash point area open (which has a deposit box) had locked up at 17:45 ?!?!?. Let's just say they will be getting a VERY nice phone call from "arse the barbarian" tomorrow that's for sure.

5) Yes the symptoms of the tablets are really having fun with me at the moment. I feel sick all the time, even more so one hour after I have taken them (two a day). However I am not sick. I have a stonking headache in the morning as the tablets dehydrate you – nope, even I can't drink water in my sleep. Then there is sleep. I fell asleep at bloody 8pm last night and didn't wake up until the alarm went off at 06:00. Then on feeling so shit got to work sprawled out on the canteen seats and went to sleep until 9 when I started. Hmmm not good really.

So all in all, what with the other shitload of complete tat which I have kindly decided to leave out, as to be honest this is boring even me now lets just say I've not had the best of days. But then again would you really be interested if my life was all roses and nice things? I don't bloody think so.

Currently reading: And Another Thing : The World According to Clarkson Volume Two By Jeremy Clarkson Release date: 2006

I am getting old…

Current mood:bollocksed

Today was always destined to be a 'recovery day' knowing I would have overdone it at the ball last night. However it has surprised me in the ways it has come back to haunt me today.

This morning I didn't have a hangover (due to knowing what I'm like stuck to the vodka all night which doesn't give me a hangover) Then, there is the fact that even though I did sleep through till 10am which is unheard of normally the other problems have appeared later today.

Due to staying over at Hayley's and sleeping on her two-seater couch I am in bleeding agony. My backs screaming at me every time I move and my neck is as stiff as a board. Then there are my poor old knees and legs. After much merriment we did actually do quite a bit of dancing. Don't get me wrong I did hang in there for hours with the nice little strappy gold shoes that were with my outfit but even I couldn't manage to control those whilst moving quickly and fuelled with that much vodka. I had been rather canny though, as I had a pair of flip-flops in my bag for the journey home knowing the bloody things would have ended up in someone's front garden after I threw a strop with them if not.

Other than that though it was a really good giggle of an evening. I saw quite a few peeps that I haven't seen in about a year which was good. Granted, did see some of the people who used to irritate me when I worked there but having not seen them for so long they were nowhere near as annoying, and the fact I managed to stay upright, only flash my pants off once and didn't go home in a police car must mean I'm getting too old for it all!

Dear god I really am turning into an old fart.

Currently watching: Closer (Superbit Edition) Release date: 29 March, 2005

Fish batter with hieroglyphics?

Current mood: argumentative
Category: Life

Ok so it's not been that good a week so far. (And fuck me its only Tuesday!) Yesterday I managed to have noooooo tea breaks or lunch breaks at work. I would say busy little bee but by the end of it I was ronnied. Just due to being – well busy really.

Then today, nearly did the same but just before lunch it calmed down again leaving me pacifying me boss into getting his presentation thing done ready for Thursdays meeting and finally getting home here – once again ronnied and in desperate need of a glass of vino.

Right I am now going to admit to you all the actual reason for this really foul mood which is looming over arse towers.

Last week I went to see the old "no smoking nursey bird" woman at the doctors…. Yes… again.

And this time, I have been prescribed a new anti smoking drug of which I have now been taking for nearly a week. Don't get me wrong I will try my damndest to give up the sodding fags once again and anything that could help will be tried, well apart from actually taping up my gob so as to not be able to smoke.

The tablets start out on one tablet a day for 5 days, then go up to two a day for a 12 week duration then "hey presto" you no longer are a smoker! Fantastic stuff.

It isn't coming without the side effects though. Don't get me wrong, I realise these tablets are probably just like Zyban the last ones I tried, and those being a mild anti depressant expected a few hic-ups – however one side effect with those they didn't predict was they stopped me biting my nails, which wasn't a bad thing at all. Still chuffing like a chimney though.

So these ones, called Champix seem to be going ok ish so far. You still smoke whilst on them for the first two weeks then pick a stop day (you'll all know when that is as the sky will turn black and animals will hide quivering under hedgerows) so yes I am on them at the mo, but still smoking. The tablets make you feel sick, they have had me eating like the proverbial horse and I can just see me ending up at the end of this a non smoker but a fat cunt as well. Bloody terrific.

Then there is the mood… which if you haven't picked up on by now you really do deserve to have a donkey shoved up your arse for not paying attention. I have had the worst smacked arse face again and its really starting to annoy those at work (oh that's a shit now isn't it?) Hopefully this will pass after the whole 12 week stint, however how many people I will have murdered and thrown in the big skip there will be the teller of it all.

So far Miserable trout 1 – work 0

So on that note I will now explain what's with the title of today's blog… I decided to have fish, chips and beans for tea and the frozen lump of battered fush from ones freezer really did look like it was covered in Egyptian hieroglyphics! I would have normally taken a photo for you all to see, but alas this mood made me just think, fuck that and ate it.

Was rather nice though, odd text or not.

Boiled eggs - yummy

Current mood: blissful

Daft isn't it? You have a whole chunk of things going tits in your life, then just when you think it's time to crack open the skull and insert a new fresh brain (thinking along the lines of the re-formatting of hard drive) then all is well again and there is something to smile about.

So there's the short one. Now don't get me wrong, I think very much of him but after a bit of soul searching over last weekend, it really came to light that I really wasn't doing him any favours in getting on with his life, hanging on his coat tails as such, so that little escapade was halted. All good terms though and even though we would have driven each other insane (him sending me round the twist more so that the other way round)

Then there's the fact that Lama is going to try to visit me this year. How stoaked am I about that? Fantastic stuff! Can't wait!

Other than that I have been a truly lazy fucker today. I had high intentions of getting on with stuff in the garden, cleaning etc and generally getting stuff back on track, and once again I have wittered the day away watching Cruel Intentions (I do love that film) eating stuff I haven't had for yonks (hence the boiled eggs – with soldiers I might add… Hmmmm)

Then this evening I started early on the vodka waiting for the course of tablets to do what they have managed to do to me every night this week since starting taking them which is have me out like a light by approx 9pm at the latest. (Ok, so I know I do seem to sleep quite a lot but even I'm not normally THAT bad!)

So after yet another crap run at playing poker online (yes, I can honestly say I am utterly crap at it… thank fuck for 'play money!) I will now get ones but into the other room and see what films are on this evening of which I will as per usual slap the sleep timer on the telly… which as we all know is an instant trigger to said crap brain to go to sleep within 10 mins…

A coming of age me thinks

Current mood: angsty
Category: Life

Evidently my run of bad luck seems to have run its course after completely fleecing my bank account dry.

I finally managed to get the heating fixed, which in itself wasn't the expensive thing here (Thanks again Al) It was decided by the powers that be – namely Dad, that what wasn't helping the pump fed boiler, was the fact that the tank being only a quarter full didn't quite give it enough 'umph' with weight of oil behind it hence drawing in the air. So after a lot of pleading to the old plastic I've had the bugger filled up again to the nice price of £568. Great. Always in the month you have no money isn't it?

Other than that there are a few things which have brought to light in my tiny little mind – 1) you really can't trust anyone these days. – This is due to someone telling stories about me who really should have found out the full facts before trying to drop someone (namely me) right in the shit.

2) online sites… namely facebook at this current time have now been eradicated from my day to day things to do (well apart from playing poker) The whole shit has just annoyed me to the hilt and I have decided to just stick with the one – namely this one – and just worry about that instead.

So I might have heating again – but I am still being an anti-social fucker until I get paid next.

Currently listening: White Ladder By David Gray Release date: 21 March, 2000

Pushing my luck

Current mood: blustery

I decided, rather than drag my sorry doomed arse round to Mumsie's, to chance having a shower at home. It was a lottery I can tell you and having a luke warm shower in a house that is, well bloody cold already wasn't the best thing but worth the fact that I am now nice and clean.

So my house is spotlessly clean (went a bit OCD yesterday, just to keep warm if I'm honest) and I have the wood burner raging still just to take the chill off this bungalow sized fridge.

Not much else I can do now apart from make some lunch. Which will be handy as the oven will heat the kitchen!

Well that and play on T'internet all day J

It’s just taking the piss now.

Current mood: aggravated
Category: Life

A couple of weeks ago my heating decided to go tits. I cant remember if I blogged about it or not but it was the same thing it did last year, got a bit of air in the fuel line and just stops working. Alan being the star he is pops round gets out said air bubble and we are all toasty again.

Today the fucker has done it again and I'm not best pleased as there is snow on the ground, its bloody chilly and considering everything else that has gone wrong of late has driven me completely round the twist.

So apart from having the wood burner as my only source of heat, now having no hot water and the fact that I will have to do things like the hovering and ironing just to keep warm I think my mood isn't the best right now.

There is a big black cloud over my house right now and it has my fucking name written all over it… the bastard.